M Sandio Brain Time

m_sandio @ 2009-12-24T19:41:00

2009-12-25T00:41:15Z

Last night I had a dream that I woke up and went to grab my water bottle but instead it floated over to me. I thought there was a ghost in my house, but soon realized that it was me causing it to move. I then realized that I could manipulate objects with my mind! Then I was in a forest with a group of friends when I saw something flash in between two large trees. It was a tiny tree running! So I ran after the little tree and said hello and inquired what it's name was. I cannot remember the name he gave me but for the dream's sake I'm going to go with Jacob....or David. Something with that kind of feel to it. I then met another little tree and a family of porcupines, but the father porcupine did not want to shake my hand because I was a human and he was afraid that he would shoot needles everywhere.

To say that I woke up from this dream disappointed is an understatement.

This Morning's Dream...

2009-12-06T16:40:42Z

Ah....

2009-10-06T19:02:37Z

Today is my favorite kind of day. It's overcast, sporadically rainy, and windy as heck! Don't ask me why... I don't know why I love "depressing" weather. I have a huge music history test tomorrow that I know NOTHING about, and I'm still in a decent mood...because of the weather most likely.

Sunday was Robbie's 21st birthday. We had our last matinee of the weekend and then I went home to study... I didn't know what to feel. I wasn't sure if I should be sad, happy, grieved, alone, with people? It seems like there are no "right" or "wrong" answers to anything anymore. Ah, well, I'm cutting this entry short in hopes of a short nap. I will discuss this in more detail later I'm sure.

Failure.

2009-09-22T03:38:12Z

I have dipped my toes in failure this past week. Knowing you must do things and continuously NOT doing them does equal/contribute to failure. I feel lost and stupid.

I have no more to say....

Quickly

2009-09-11T18:25:30Z

Here is the part of the school year where I take a look at my life and go "OH MY AS;LDKFJA;SDLFJKASD;FKJ" and the little Me inside my head runs around in circles all day. My body is so reluctant to get better these days that I actually think I have forgotten what it feels like to be healthy and feel "good".

Today, eleven years ago, the mother of a dear person in my life passed away. I visited the grave with him, and I couldn't help feeling (not for the first time by ANY means) a great deal of respect for him. I would say I have lived a very unique life that has had an equal amount of good fortune as it has disaster, and yet I often feel miserable. Maybe that is a personality flaw that I bring upon myself... However, for him, life holds a very sunny outlook full of endless possibilities. He doesn't dwell on the bad, and uses good logic to understand the bad events.

I do know what it is like to be standing six feet above the body of someone you love SO much...and it is sometimes just....awful. It can be so hard. .....as we were picking some of the leaves off the grass around the grave stone, I realized that he is such a strong human being and that I can learn a lot from that kind of character. Who knows what he is thinking all the time? Anyone who has lost someone knows that the thoughts of that person do not ever truly go away. We are always left with the memories. However, I think the way he has learned to process this information is so admirable and I hope that I can apply it to myself with practice.

I am about to go to Chorale Retreat for three days. I do NOT feel good and I do NOT feel like going for that reason, but I am going to think about this... and I am going to do it until I can figure out how to be happy like he is.

Hi,

2009-07-31T18:39:08Z

I just became incredible stressed out thinking about all the things I have to do. I just realized that July is OVER! What happened to the summer? I don't feel like I've accomplished much this summer...It is all becoming one big blur. Anyway, I thought that writing in here a little would help me to calm down once I voice what needs to be done.

I have now read the first two Twilight books...and I must say, I love them. I agree with the hype they are getting/have gotten. HOWEVER, I have wasted countless hours of what could have been "productive time" (doing things like homework...or practicing) reading. Were they wasted? I wonder if it is okay that I get so wrapped up in books sometimes... If I had it my way, I would probably avoid almost all human interaction to read in solitude. ...I just really, truly enjoy books. Maybe it is because I think too much in normal life...so when I read, I focus all my thoughts....on the book. They DO help me become less stressed. Once I'm done though, and back to reality, my life is a mess again! Sometimes I REALLY wish I could be the characters in the books I read. In this story, Bella meets Edward and they are SOOOOO in love! SO in love. ...so much so that they have trouble keeping composer around each other after dating/knowing each other for two years.....................................

Is that possible?

These books make me feel like I will never be happy! I LONG to feel like that: passionate, excited, IN love.... Why can't I? Is fairy-tale love fake? It seems like I've met people who are very, very real, and they experience passionate love sort of like that......but not me. It makes me depressed and less thankful for the people in my life already..sometimes. it kind of makes me appreciate romantic novels more, though, because I feel like it really is possible while I'm reading it.

I have become a server at Cracker Barrel. It is quite tiring. Routine. That is not something I like. Especially when my only "regular" is a perverted old man who tries to pick me up every time he comes in.

I have not done ANY of my bible homework over the summer.............................SO.............. Tomorrow...I am doing NOTHING but homework. Seriously. I have 12 days left in Indiana before I go home for a week...and then school starts for me. SPEAKING of which... I have not practiced the musical AT ALL.

......I've pretty much been a waste this summer. A waste! A overly frustrated and philosophical, tired, cranky, procrastinating waste.

.......

Okay, so maybe this journal entry didn't make me feel any better. At least I have written it down so maybe I can't use any of this as an excuse anymore.

Fire and Ice

2009-07-31T15:49:13Z

Fire and Ice

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to parish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

--Robert Frost

Another Dream

2009-07-24T16:51:56Z

Last night I dreamed that I was hanging out with my friend Courtney Cavell, who I haven't seen in years. At first, we were at a very large house and some girl was trying to redecorate it. There was something pink she wanted. Anyway, the biggest part of my dream happened when we were driving and decided to stop by where her mother was... We were sitting outside of the building, enjoying the sunshine, when all of the sudden there were birds flying in flocks in the sky....except they were flying in a cube shape. Each was also carrying a huge green leaf, so it looked like huge, green cubes were flying over the house. Also, it seemed like endless groupings of birds were doing this, so there were many, many green cubes. Anyway... the wind started to pick up and all of the birds let go of their leaves and the leaves instantly scattered and flew into the sky, covering it all. They also made something visible that was until then, very much INvisible.... Until then, three or four Tornadoes had been creeping toward us but apparently not sucking up anything. This made their shapes much more visible and they turned into these MONSTER tornadoes with the craziest sky I've ever seen. I kept trying to look at them but Mrs. Cavell made us go inside. Then, somehow, they disappeared....and we left. Then I woke up.

Last night I dreamed

2009-07-22T20:10:00Z

that I was outside during the night with a group of friends when I saw a black snake slithering in the grass. I called attention to it, and suddenly there was also a golden Cobra in the grass as well. One of my dream friends (who was Korean) (not that it matters) picked up the cobra, saying he knew how to handle snakes. He said that if you hold them by a certain part of their neck, it is impossible for them to bite you. SO, he proved himself to be correct by angering the snake...and we all watched as it was unable to reach any part of him. He then turned his attention to me, saying "go ahead and touch it, he won't bite you", but I was afraid! I actually did want to pet it, but the snake sensed my fear and tried to bite me. The strangest part was when I went to walk around the snake that was being held... I looked at it, and it's mouth just suddenly dropped about two feet. It was like it had turned into this giant, black hole that could easily hold my entire body. The way in which the mouth dropped, though, was very frightening. It was like normal physical restrictions no longer had any effect and this snake could stretch itself as if it were a liquid.

Sometimes I really wonder why I dream such bizarre things. Why a snake?

One philosophy I am content living by:

2009-07-22T19:58:16Z

Love.

m_sandio @ 2009-07-19T14:12:00

2009-07-19T18:49:57Z

Hello Journal,

I have been staying in Indiana for the summer, and what an INTERESTING (sub any word of choice) experience this has been! I think that I've taken leaps and bounds in every direction, both good and bad. ..however, it is hard to tell which is which. I have unintentionally become quite the philosopher as of late (and may I add that it is agonizing?) and explored practically every view on life I can fathom. ...Life is such a perplexing topic, and it really bothers me that I can never REALLY wrap my mind around an idea that I can call "truth". Who the hell knows what IS truth? There are so many people who make their LIVINGS off of their strong beliefs and telling others what to believe, but how do they know? And why is it that some people seem to have this special access to "the other side"? Why don't we all? DO we all? IS there another side? Now... I do actually believe in there being something after death... Whatever that something is--I honestly don't know. I don't think anyone does. And in fact, it is very possible that I could be wrong. We all could. Maybe there is something much grander than anything a human on the Earth could imagine to exist, waiting for us on the other side. ...maybe there is something much worse. All I am saying is this life business is so tricky, and I wish for once that I could just KNOW. I mean REALLY know. Not guess, not believe, not hope... just know. Which brings me to another point:

What is faith?
My entire life, I have been raised to be a Christian. That is something both of my parents found late in their lives, and they've stuck with it. I'm not going to lie, I HAVE watched amazing things happen in both of their lives as a result of their faith in God and Jesus. However... (maybe this is unfortunate) I am not content just having faith now. I was, at one point, but now I just want some sort of evidence...a sign at least? Is that difficult to conjure up? Is faith the key to this sort of knowledge? Or is it that we brainwash ourselves into thinking that certain things are good, and other things are evil and bad and if we meddle too much in them, we will lose our place in the uber special club that is Heaven?

Sometimes I look around and think "there has GOT to be something more..." because sometimes...the world just looks so beautiful to me and I can not imagine that all of this could come about by chance. They sky is so amazing sometimes. The weather. Human nature, even. Why is that we have such a huge capacity for emotion if it is all in vain? If we are just put on the earth to carry out some sort of genetic purpose as disposable human beings, WHY can we feel so great at times and so awful at others? It seems like a useless trait, otherwise. I've read or at least looked through dozens of books on the topic of life, religion, metaphysical ideas, philosophical ideas and even atheist ideas. ONE of them has to be wrong, right?

m_sandio @ 2008-11-02T01:27:00

2008-11-02T05:41:37Z

“When he shall die,
take him and cut him out in little stars
and he will make the face of heaven so fine
that all the world will be in love with night
and pay no worship to the garish sun.”

--William Shakespeare

Life

2008-10-13T00:24:54Z

Life feels like it is not my own anymore. I transport my body around to various places in order to fit the agenda that is seemingly never-ending but I no longer feel like I control or decide what I am literally going to do during the day. I have a 30 minute break for lunch and a 30 minute break for dinner. I've come to know the words "angst" and "fatigue" well as of late. I feel like my insides are one big bottomless pit to which my emotions can find no resolution. I long for so many things that I cannot have and I don't even know why I want them. Again, here are more things I have absolutely no control over. It's an endless cycle of me wishing for things, thinking of things, analyzing things...without any solution or action to make a change.

I'd like for a few things in my ife to pause themselves so for just one day I could take a hot bubble bath and read a book. Ideally this would include an overcast day and a cup of tea but hey, I don't even think I'm going to have an hour to rest before Christmas.

One quick plus before I go is that my parents visited two days ago. They could only stay for one day because neither of them can afford to take off of work for that long. My world gets so out of wack without them... But anyway, after being here for about 6 hours my mom had my place completely re-decorated and so now it actually looks like a girl lives here.

Okay I've taken way too long for this. Homework time......

R.I.P. Robbie...

2008-08-26T20:06:32Z

How do you begin to write about the worst summer of your life?

Typically, I tend to focus on detailed events that I've over-analyzed several times and if I'm writing about it I'm either excited or I don't understand. This summer has drilled into me finally the ability to look at a big picture and realize that most of the time, those little things never matter. It seems like there is so much to say and yet the thing I hear most is nothing. What IS the right thing to say? Perhaps nothing. I don't know. That's been my answer to a lot of things as of late... I hate it. I hate that things like this can happen and yet society expects everyone to pick themselves up the day after the funeral and act like it never happened... and I especially hate that I still have to make so many decisions when I don't know what is right anymore. Not knowing if I could have changed the course of events is a difficult pill to swallow. I honestly cannot fathom how Richard is doing it. I question myself now and I would question myself like he does if I was the only person there. So I don't blame him for doing it, but it makes me hurt to see him so tormented... I can tell he tries not to show it. I told him anyone could have done something to make it not happen, to keep Rob away from that cliff. For instance, that day I got off of work early, received a text from the two of them asking me what I was up to, and ignored it. Why did I do that? I never just LEAVE people hanging, and had I not, I would have been with them! I, being me, would have either gone first or told Rob to go as far out as he possibly can so he wouldn't hit his head... Who knows? No one does. I've heard the phrase "there's no such thing as coincidence" so many times I feel like maybe I should get it tattooed on my face so people can rest assured that I have heard it before. I'm not mad, and I'm trying to believe it... but it hurts, and that alone makes it hard to accept. By the way, I am not trying to pretend like I'm super woman and it is up to me to change life's situations and since I failed, someone died. There are so many tiny things that so many people could have done, we all just happened to do the exact thing which would lead to an outcome like this. I will never forget Rob. He was such a huge part of all of our friends' lives that it literally, is impossible. But, I mean, when there are supposed to be three cars driving to the same location in Indiana and there are only two, from there on out a person can barely fight wondering what things would be like if everything was the way it's supposed to be! It sucks.

I thoroughly believe that we will reunited again someday, but until that day I think that I will continue to learn life lessons from Robbie Horton.

I miss you so much.

m_sandio @ 2008-06-23T13:57:00

2008-06-23T18:08:01Z

I went to a bonfire at Will's house the other night. It was so much fun.. I love being with people who simply want to have fun and aren't afraid to just play games. That sounds so stupid... but some people ARE and refuse to do that because.... they are embarrassed? Anyway, we only played a half of a game of man hunt but sitting around the fire was fun too. I was being a freaking idiot but... I can't help it. I imagine people have come to expect that from me. I think I just have all this bottled up energy that isn't getting released, and when I'm with new people... it sparks the flame. .............OR it could have been that everyone was beating me up and my natural instincts to PROTECT myself rose up! Haha. Maybe it wasn't that dramatic, but........... maybe it was.

Kaitlin's disc seems to be getting better. She said she is starting to be able to walk around a little on her own. That's good! Soon she'll be back up and around and cool to hang out:-D

Alsooooo, Canada day is coming up! I'm excited! I heard it is a really fun weekend and I can't wait to spend it with Sarah and Mike and his girl Selena. 8-)

ALRIGHT. Back to the books. I just wanted to take a quick break since I just got up for a little.

OH, one more thing. Get Smart is a good movie! Richard and I watched it with Rob and Anna last night. Um.....

Summer continued...

2008-06-20T18:11:46Z

I'm about to clean the house..... the entire thing....... by myself...... again...... because I don't have a job........

........

This effing sucks.

I am officially a bleach blonde! A short bleach blonde at that. I actually love it. I was very shocked/scared when she turned me around to face the mirror but, I must say, that I really do love it.

Kaitlin herniated a disk in her back (again) wake-boarding, so she has been laying in her bed for the past week. Poor girl.. I visited her but I know from experience that when you are stuck in a room like that, the one thing you want most is to get the heck outta there!

I am going to Canada day with Sarah the 28th:) and I am very excited! I think it's going to be a lot of fun. And speaking of Canada, my two little teets want to have a fake Bachelorette party for me in Canada. I am no doubt the person picked because I am going to be the last person on earth to get married and/or to have a Bachelorette party!!!

I have been exercising with my mom every morning lately. It feels good to get up before the sun rises and just breathe in the cool... unpolluted morning air. No ones up. No lights. Animals are still hangin out. It's a great time to escape.

I never thought I would be a morning person.

......alright....now I need to clean the house. Ugh.

!

TOOOOODAY

2008-06-09T03:32:19Z

Soooo, I really haven't been on here in quite thee while. Let's just recap how my summer has been so far.

I got back and made a giant ass mess in my room. But then... I moved the mess out to the entry way room and painted my walls this...burnt..pumpkin..ish.. Tucscan color. (I had some help from Will and my dad.) Ryan said he hates the color. That's cool. I then cleaned up the mess in my room that now looks like Mexico, and I am still in the process of assembling the room.

I got to hang out with my friends! Ahhh... It's like I haven't had oxygen for six months. I practiced some of my music as well. I've been really good about practicing. I just hope that I can keep it up..

I've also been hanging out with Rich, Rob and Jimmy a lot, specifically. It's been fun. I need to get a job though :-/

K I'm done

Next Sunday

2008-04-06T22:23:27Z

I'm thinking about starting to run... I don't know how this will work out though; I hate running. ... I HATE...running. Maybe I'll just keep thinking about it and hope for the best.

I read a horoscope yesterday and it said I should buy a lotto ticket. SO... I bought a lotto ticket. Guess what? It was worth 0.00 dollars.

I ALSO have to write an essay for American Civilization on three books I have never read!!! Why do I do this to myself?

Before I go torture myself with that though, I'd like to name some things I've done recently. I had my first Lord of the Rings experience... Finally? I found that I really love sushi! I might have mentioned that already. Um...I've been drinking this weird Chinese tea called Kombucha. I need to buy a sound recorder...

...

Sunday morning

2008-03-30T19:14:25Z

Last night I had a dream I was bitten on the finger by an owl.

Boo.

Nights before, Nights after

2008-03-22T04:18:45Z

Cleaned to no end.
I think I am addicted to insence...
Tonight I watched Death at a Funeral and Enchanted with the Bowmans... and ate chinese. Mmmm...
They were good choices.

EQUILIBRIUM TOMORROW. . .

. . . . .

MY FAVORITE FREAKING MOVIE.

Shower time.

The Liberty We Feel at Night

2008-03-01T03:54:55Z

So, this is the first time in 8 weeks I've procrastinated enough to get on here.
Obligations warp priorities.

Honestly, the reason I felt inclined to write here is because I feel the sinking stomach. You may not get that at first but we all experience it.
It coincides with dissapointment and remorse.
It's confusing for me to explain why I've got the sinking stomach because peoples' successes are its creators. My friends' successes. It seems that all of my friends are finding love, especially all the ones who were always single along with me. They are getting serious.

It's not that I'm unhappy for them, but... those are MY friends. It's perhaps one of the many-to-come reminders that things are never going to be the way they were. I feel a super-glue like bond with the people I grew up with. Even the ones I barely hung out with, we share common ground and that is all that needs to be there for me to feel it.

I need those people, and less and less I feel their dependence on me...

It's a sad realization.

I removed myself from the place I know. I feel like a bad friend; maybe I should have thought things through a little longer before fleeing.

Now I almost feel powerless, the concept of letting go is one I have never understood...yet I've made some of the most daring experiments with it.

I find it practically impossible to classify myself in anyway, and those who find it easy don't know me well. I wish I understood the art of letting go, of growing up, of doing right..

I'm impossible.

My major

2008-01-03T06:30:18Z

I crave to be placed at the center of art's beauty. ...that I can sit and gasp and marvel and cry at what is happening around me. ...that possibly the things which cause this pouring of emotion out of my very soul will be useful in a greater cause to heal and reach others, not just myself.

That this might be my major....

Haha, okay. Reality.
Can someone major in that?

I have an unquenchable thirst for the arts.

And when I say unquenchable, I mean when I am moved by something, I can hardly ever accept that it's all. I can never believe that what I saw and/or heard is the most that can come from a single piece. I may have felt that I had transcended into another place and time, but after it's done, all I want to do is go back. But further.

It's hard to explain.

I am constantly searching (in vain) for something I do believe is real, but rare.

I'd like to jump into my right brain and explore sometime...

I've been thinking about changing my major to Music Business with a minor in Vocal Performance. This, might leave room for something, and since Anderson University does not have a theater degree, Pre-Med is my .....other choice? I am so interested in natural remedies. As well as performing. I love to make people feel good. Satisified. Purposeful, healthy. Yeah.

The world of majors is a scary and dangerous place.

Complex topic, however bed is where my heart is right now. Goodnight.

The longest week in the history of Earth!!!

2007-12-01T05:42:27Z

Seriously. Did someone change the calender?

I can't even remember MONDAY!

Candles and Carols (aka "Candles and Cameras") was tonight! Beautiful. But again... The huge drop camera was maybe a tid bit distracting? Regardless, it was definitely one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Raw is the word I believe I am looking for, if that makes sense to anyone but me. I live on raw.

Good human nature in general is what makes this muddy and confused world make sense, after all.

Onto the pertinent.

Okay... Lesson one: SLEEP MATTERS

If you wake up, and actually feel like you are dying... It is very possible that fatigue is starting to kick in.

If you just....DON'T wake up... that might be fatigue too.

Today I woke up and started yelling swear words at Yoda. I think I am fatigued.

You get the point. THUS, my week! I've had great days, depressing days, talkative days, and always a bum day. I've even had a fat day. I feel as though I covered the month of November in 5 days. It's a miracle!

Mostly though, the purpose thing is really driving me insane. Once this week I was certain I was going to quit school until I realized that was a dumb decision.
I don't want to be a roofer for the rest of my life...

But really, society is SO brainwashed!! And this isn't even a generation thing. Sure, it changes on WHAT exactly has been pasted onto our brains but the fact that we are not free humans remains. I hate to say it, but, as a society in whole, we are useless. The honorable are outnumbered, and I promise you at least 90% of the world has No idea why they are even here on earth. Half of the time, myself included. The other half, I at least believe in SOMETHING. Ugh...

I literally can't think anymore. What was I talking about? I wanted to jot something down since it's Friday and I have a minute, but I don't think any coherent arguments are going to come forth if I continue writing.

Quick

2007-11-28T04:54:15Z

I have discovered an unnatural love for Greek food.

IT'S THE SHIZ

November

2007-11-17T05:00:45Z

Slightly depressed.
Feelings of being "trapped" not subsiding...
Stressed.

lonely.

confused...